It was just a couple of years ago that my best friend (and sister in law) Bethany came down from Washington to Provo to see her younger brother off on his mission. She hung out at my apartment in Provo, and later I watched Cameron and Ethan while she and her family went through to MTC and said goodbye to Joel. It was as we were driving away from Provo and north of Salt Lake City, that the real fun began. Beth's parents, her sisters and Darin and I went to Lagoon. Whoo Hoo! It was great!
One of the best things about that occasion (we've been to Lagoon many times) is that it was Cameron's first time riding the rides with the adults.
I remember his excitement and nonchalance about the degree of difficulty of the rides. He knew he'd be able to handle it, he could handle anything. . .he was 5 after all.
Darin, Beth and I all knew what Cameron didn't know, and was about to find out. . .the roller coaster was going to scare the crap out of him. And it wouldn't sink in, until it was too late. The roller coaster was going to drop him, twist him, take him for a loop and take his breath away. I was totally okay with Cameron learning this way, some life events you can't accurately describe, you have to learn by experience. I was all set to hear Cameron's girlie screams from the seat behind me as we finally boarded the ride. Heh. Heh. Heh. It was going to be awesome. But Darin had a better idea. He decided to take my new camera phone and turn around in his chair to capture the looks of terror and surprise of our nephew during the drops and corners. Looking at these old pics while doing some organizing on my computer last night, it reminded me of something. . .but I couldn't place it.
Then it hit me. Cameron's expressions of horror and panic have been my same expressions this past year. I can completely sympathize with Cameron's face and his learning by experience! And his being in a situation that he has no control over. Learning by experience and losing control have been my constant companion with multiple children in my home. I was so excited to ride the "Mother" Roller Coaster. My friends and family have listened smugly for 10 years of infertility as I've expressed the desire to be a Mom. I knew it was my life's goal. I knew how much fulfillment and joy it would bring to my life.
That's all true, but my friends and family knew something that I didn't, because they had ridden the roller coaster before. I've come to find out through experience, that being a Mom is scarier than crap! I see the corners, loop-de-loops, and drop offs ahead of me now. . .but I can't get off and I don't know what to do except scream! This thrill ride ends in a decade or so when my children turn 18.
What was I thinking? Super Mom doesn't exsist, control doesn't exsist. We are all just passengers and the kids are the mechanical engineers! Tell me. . .what sane person would willingly ride a roller coaster manned by children? Well, committ me.
The truth is that being a mom has been a fun, surprising, frustrating ride. Here are a few of my adventures:
Drop offs: Why did Rashad leave a dump on the back porch? And then lie about it with his pants still around his ankles? He merely pointed at it and said, "Mom! Look what I found."
Corners:My little rascals have felt the need to tempt me and try me everyday. Why? To be sure by putting on the pressure, that I know what I'm getting into? That by knowing their devilish side, I will love them completely and accept them for it? How can I prove to them that no matter what they do, I will still want them and love them? So, alright already! Stop pushing my buttons!
Loop-de-loops: Why is it that when the door is left open for the 533rd time in one day, letting all of the AC outside, all three children have a different explanation? Going by strictly statistics, you'd think that one of the stories would be the actual one. . .nope.
I have no doubts now that more crazy, out of control adventures in motherhood are waiting for me as I care for these little Dixon Devils for the next 20 years or so. I will try to remember to scream my head off and have fun. To resemble Beth and not Cameron in these pictures. It helps when others find my adventures amusing, it gives me hope that I will one day find entertainment out of it as well! In the meantime, I will take notes and pictures to share.